Gratitude Expression

Friday, 21st July 2023

The last few months have been quite busy, to say the least. We've coordinated the production of a large number of events and I haven't been involved with my family much. It feels like I'm missing a big chunk out of my babies' lives and I have an overwhelming sense of mom guilt. I often feel like I'm creating irreversible damage in relationships. But I can't focus on the bad things, here are some good things.

Jax has been having a bit of a tough time at school towards the end of this term. He's been forgetful, distant, moody. We've pressed on with helping him. Chris and I made the decision at the beginning of the week to let Jax play hooky on one of the days. Chris was planning to travel to Inyanga to take some bits out there and do some work. That provided the perfect opportunity. With no forewarning, he loaded Jax in the car early this morning and took him with as a bit of a surprise road trip. I think it was the best thing for Jax to have a bit of dad time away from his "cheeky" little brother. He is growing and does need his space and time. They collected pine cones, which we have used to light the fire that I'm enjoying whilst writing this blog.

This morning I dropped Brennan off at school. Usually he hangs tight and doesn't want to let go unless forcibly separated from me. Today, we walked in to the school, he collected his usual handful of gravel from the driveway there. I walked him to his class. It was early so his teacher wasn't there yet, but his friends were. He was keen to go and join them, but hesitant because he knew I was leaving. I walked away and after two steps I noticed he was following so I stopped and turned around, gave him a hug and a kiss and said "Go play, I'll be back soon." and off he went. I was so conflicted with pride and pain in that moment. A few tears shed then as they are now as I am rewriting the experience. I was certainly not prepared for that. He is the most beautiful little soul. When I collected him later in the day, the Puzzle Lady was selling puzzles and I found the perfect one with a blue Mini Cooper on it, perfect for Jax and I to do and get some quality time in. Brennan is convinced its a gift for him. I told him it was a gift for me, but he's adamant that this is truly not the case. It's for him. And maybe Jax.

I spent the day plodding along with work, having managed to go for a walk. There's not a lot happening at the moment. Last night we received an unusual request from a client; to take a dog named Ziggi to Faro far South in Portugal. Rather than sending one of the crew (who were extremely amused by the request) him and his wife have opted to do the job themselves and see their family. So it's just me, which is good - exercising some independence. We've been working on the derig for the marquee at Wimbledon tennis and have had a booking for the MotoGP come in, which I am pleased about. One of our crew celebrated the birth of his son today. Personally I love the gift of new life.

On a break from work, I decided I needed to go and put some fuel in my car and run some errands. By errands, I actually mean I wanted to buy a vape. Chris accidentally took mine this morning, I had spent the day telling myself that I was going to kick the habit which I have decided that now will. I ran out of fuel along the way. I don't think I was panicked in the moment, nor was I frustrated. Perhaps a bit embarrassed. My thoughts were more along the lines of "Oh well. You only have yourself to thank for this. At least you have a bottle of water and some money on you". I started walking, telling myself that I could do with the walk anyway, and it didn't take long for someone to stop and offer me a lift. His name was Francis, an older man, with an open beer there. Completely expected mid afternoon on a Friday in Zimbabwe. He gave me a lift to the fuel station helped me get some fuel, made a funnel from my water bottle and returned me to my car. Helped me jump start my car (because the hazard lights had been on, drained my dying battery) and off we went. I was very grateful for his assistance and the whole ordeal was done in under 45 minutes.

Chris and Jax arrived home just on 18:30. Brennan had been playing quietly by himself and their arrival ignited a mass flurry of excitement from Brennan who had been asking after his big brother quite a bit. Laughter and excitement filled our tiny house and I sat listening. Some replacement goods arrived from our runner. These included some pencil cases for the boys so they spent some time populating their pencil cases. Green for Brennan, Red for Jax. We had dinner together, which is a rarity. Roast chicken with broccoli and runaway pees.

I live for days like these. I'm grateful that I get to be a mum to these two beautiful boys. I am grateful for my job. Most of all, I'm grateful for Chris because without his support, none of this would be at all possible. My heart is full.